Roly-poly Romanian wrestler who enjoyed potatoes.

Wrestling fans are well acquainted with maneuvers such as the “full nelson”, “hammerlock” and “leg press”, but few know that these devastating moves were all invented by the same man, 19th Century Romanian pugilist Bogdan Hitler (1871 - 1899).

Born into poverty in Eastern Romania, Bogdan Hitler grew up an orphan on a potato plantation three miles south of the Olt River. He was a shy boy, with few friends. Indeed, his best “friends” may have been the very potatoes he picked while working in the fields. To Bogdan Hitler, the potato possessed magical powers that transcended the physical realms of taste and shape. As Bogdan once recounted to a reporter: “A raw potato is like a person with no soul. Bite into it, and you will injure your gums most certainly. But fry it in oil, and its true flavor is revealed to you. This is the blessing God gave the potato, for no person you could fry would ever be as delicious.” Hitler was expelled from the plantation at the age of thirteen when it was discovered that he had been stealing and frying potatoes in secret.

Homeless and potatoless, a twelve year-old Hitler headed West towards Bucharest. A creature of habit, Hitler’s strict diet of fried potatoes (a diet he stuck to until his death from cardiac arrest at the age of 27) had fattened him up to a remarkable 411 lbs, an amount which may seem trivial in today’s more plentiful times, but was truly shocking to the impoverished Romanians of the 19th century. Hitler’s habitual nature was not limited to his diet. He bathed once every 28 days, matching his bathing cycle to the phases of the moon, a tradition that also lasted until his death: “When the moon washes its face, I will wash mine.”

Hitler’s teenage years were marked by stress and increasing corpulence. In order to get by, Hitler worked as a street performer, removing and replacing his shirt at spectators’ whims for the price of one bani (approximately 1/2 a U.S. cent). It was in the streets that Hitler discovered that with his incredible weight came incredible strength. Spectators who would make fun of Hitler’s girth were subject to swift and often brutal attack. Before long, Hitler’s street performances evolved from shirt-removing spectacles to bone-crackling brawls. But instead of punching and kicking his opponents into submission, Hitler discovered a new and more efficient path to victory.

By restraining his victims and inflicting gradual but sustained pain, Hitler found he could dispose of them more quickly, and with greater ease. His lack of bathing certainly helped his cause. Opponents trapped in Hitler’s embrace, their bent arms lifted behind their shoulders and downward in what Hitler called a Cal de foc (now better known as a “full nelson”) were subjected to a stench that, according to eye witness reports, was unlike any other on Earth. As the journal of local doctor Dmitru Chisca attested: “Hitler’s scent is… a strange concoction indeed. One attempts to become acquainted with it, as one does any foul odor, but each attempt reveals a new and more horrid smell. Boar dung gives way to rotten cedar, cedar becomes spoiled plum, and so on, all enveloped in the distinct bouquet of decaying flesh.”

News of the “fighting whale of Bucharest” spread quickly around the city. New challengers came to confront Hitler, and each was dispatched with characteristic ease. The rules of the fights were few and clear. No weapons were allowed, although frustrated challengers occasionally skirted this rule, hiding small knives in their undershorts. Biting and eye gouging were explicitly allowed, but it was forbidden for Hitler to gouge the eyes of an opponent who had already admitted defeat.

By the age of 26, Bogdan Hitler had beaten or mangled, in one way or another, every grown man, woman, child and animal that lived within five miles of Bucharest. His undeniable strength made him an icon of Romanian supremacy. He featured prominently in the court of King Lajos III, who named Bucharest’s main commercial street “Bogdan Stradă” (coincidentally, this is the current location of Romania’s largest sewage treatment plant).

A true legend of the fighting world, Bogdan Hitler died in his sleep on March 12th, 1899. A statue was erected in University Square in Bucharest, depicting all of the men, women, children and animals that died in battle with Hitler, which included three priests, eleven Munsterlander hunting dogs, half of the Bucharest Volunteer Fire Brigade, seven deaf children, a red-tailed hawk, and Hitler’s own wife, Brigita.

Base-ball pitcher and schizophrenic.

At six feet ten inches, Fenimore Brown (1912 - 1952) was one of the tallest men to ever play professional baseball. He was best known, however, for his association with history’s most infamous dictator.

As a young teenager, Brown’s athletic prowess — especially his throwing ability — was legendary throughout his home state of Delaware. Although he could neither read nor write, Brown received a baseball scholarship to the University of Pennsylvania at the age of 17. Brown led Pennsylvania to three straight International Athletic Championships from 1930 to 1932, and was signed by the National League’s Washington Senators soon after graduation.

Brown’s first few years of professional baseball were disastrous. The pinpoint accuracy Brown had often displayed in his time as an amateur seemingly vanished, leading Brown to smash the all-time records for hit batsmen in a single game (17) and single season (309), nearly doubling records set by Nellie “One and a Half Fingers” Larsen, a 19th century pitcher whose throwing hand was mangled in a wheelbarrow accident. Brown’s lack of success led the Senators to trade him to the Baltimore Orioles in the Fall of 1934 for an eleven pound bag of almonds, which were scarce at the time.

It was in Baltimore that Brown finally found a modicum of success, even though his play on the field remained mediocre. On Memorial Day, 1937, Brown managed the unlikely feat of hitting the same batter in the head twice in the same inning. The batter was Cleveland’s Phil ‘The Matzo Brawler’ Rosenbaum, who, although physically unaffected by the beanings, made his distaste for Brown clear, declaring him “the Hitler of the baseball diamond.” Brown responded to Rosenbaum’s criticisms in kind, trimming his mustache into a ‘Charlie Chaplin’ shape, as seen in his 1938 tobacco card photo, pictured above.

Soon, “Hitler’s” popularity grew throughout Baltimore. Brown would march onto the field to chants of “Sieg heil!”, fans raising their right arms in salute of the fledgling pitcher. By the end of the year, Brown’s Hitler antics made him one of the most popular players in the league. Orioles management rewarded Brown with his very own Volkswagen, which he woul drive out onto the field before games.

Unfortunately, as reports of Nazi atrocities came back from Europe, Fenimore Brown’s popularity waned, and he retired from baseball in the fall of 1941.

He died in 1952 of complications related to syphilis.